What Does Practical Self-Care Look Like?
I'm not too sure, but here are 10 ways I'm attempting the feat
I don’t need to take up precious real estate in this newsletter to tell you the concept of “self-care” is often heavily influenced by a consumerist agenda. We receive this message in more nuanced, articulate manners from a myriad of other, more intellectual sources.
But knowing self-care is indeed a hot-button topic doesn’t help us get to the core of what it actually is and how we can invite it into our lives in ways that not only feel nourishing, but practical too. And while I’m sure the majority of us would relish the opportunity to spend our days listlessly lounging about, feeding whatever arbitrary whim of need-tending dances across our consciousness, we have other shit we need to do.
So what’s the point? I bring up the topic of self-care because in so many ways, for the past six months, I’ve felt the strong pull to practice. Not in a take-more-baths and prioritize-your-skincare kind of way (although I have been doing both), but in a fucking-feed-yourself sort of way. Because if there’s one thing I’m noticing through sifting through my own mud of trauma, it’s that the world has a lot of malnourished women in it. I was so busy focusing on all the things people say are worthy: hitting milestones, trying not to drown at the hands of the political landscape, etc. etc. I hardly realized that by turning my attention to all these other priorities, I was slowly starving.
If you read these words and come to a similar realization, I want to offer you a glimpse into a few (practical) ways I’ve been incorporating more self-care into my routine (read: finally feeding myself). The list might surprise you, but more than anything, I hope it inspires you to find your own ways to nourish yourself to both completion and satisfaction. Let’s get into it:
I don’t force myself to work when I don’t feel like it: This one is controversial, I know, and comes packaged with a whole lot of privilege. Let me start by first acknowledging that, but then let’s take it deeper. I’m the girl who’s always relied on her work ethic to get her in and out of any situation. I always believed I could achieve whatever it is I desired if only I worked hard enough. The older (and more exhausted) I became, the more I realized this belief was born from the ache to feel safe and loved, in a family unit and society that’s both flawed and puts hard work on an untouchable pedestal. Neither is wholly wrong or completely detrimental, but I was clinging to my ability to work hard with little to no room for the equally important concept of listening to myself. So often, we prioritize what we believe to be “right”, so much so we don’t realize we’re sacrificing our own autonomy and intuition in the process. When I have the internal battle of pushing through or choosing a different option that serves me, I now lean into the one that serves me. It’s as nuanced as that. I may find the courage to do something else for an hour or two to shift my energy, and almost every time, I return more focused and invigorated than before. The world keeps spinning as it always has; it’s me who feels the impact of that bravery. I know this isn’t a luxury everyone has, so how about this: Can you find ways to pause, even if only for a few moments, and do something that serves you instead of what you believe you have to do?
Update: I was slated to write this newsletter yesterday (Tuesday, November 16) and felt a strong pull to rest, so I did. Today, the words you read poured out of me in under two hours. I’m proud of how it turned out. Funny how that works.
I don’t punish myself (as much as I did): In the same spirit, I’m trying to be kinder to myself in general. Previously, if I had done the courageous part of shifting my energy by doing something besides trudging forward, that decision would have been met with a lot of destructive thoughts about my worth and character. I’m trying to be better about honoring and prioritizing myself and not feeling guilty when I do. I’ve realized I have as much claim to restoration and peace and new perspective as anyone else, and it is up to me to continue to fortify this idea through my mental hygiene. So I’ve stopped beating myself up over not being or doing what I assume everyone expects me to be or do.
I consume media that helps perpetuate the vision I want to conjure, rather than a cycle of doom that keeps me down: Who can truly feed themselves when they’re being pelted with images and news clips and a constant means of comparison that keep them trapped in doubt? Be in-the-know, listen to whatever you like. I’m not suggesting you live in a constant state of ignorance. All I’m saying is be conscious about how everything you’re taking in is affecting your internal state too. For me, it’s about tipping the scales toward a ratio where more of what I’m consuming serves me and the vision I hold for myself, the future, and this world. Once you recognize what it is you’re taking in—mentally, physically, emotionally—you can choose better for yourself. If you’re looking for a tangible place to start, I’ve been devouring the EVERYTHING IS LOVE album released by The Carters in 2018. Every song is like melodic affirmation. I also have a “Start the Day Off Right” playlist I’d be happy to share. Feel free to leave me a comment and let me know if you’d like it and other recommendations for places we can take notice of what we’re consuming.
I’ve been completing small home projects one at a time: I used to get overwhelmed by all the things I wanted to change in my physical space. Reflecting on it now, it feels like a mirror image of my internal world. I’d receive news that a friend was coming over unannounced or would forget we had family visiting, and in a panic, start frantically cleaning the grout and griping over the state of the laundry room. Lately, I’ve tried zooming out. The things I want to change are still there, but instead of looking at them as Herculean obstacles to climb, I break them down into digestible projects and commit to doing one here or there over the span of a few weeks. So far, I’ve organized my closet and the kitchen pantry; I have indeed cleaned the grout; I’ve committed to tilling the soil of my plants and watering them routinely. And this is just to name a few. I take pride in knowing that through each of these small acts, I’m working toward the bigger picture without beating myself up for everything that’s still incomplete (See #2). The hit of dopamine I receive after I’ve ticked a box off the list, however small, doesn’t hurt either. I suppose it’s a lot like life after all: we complete the small things that eventually open up space for the big.
I’ve enlisted the support of others: Historically, whenever I would feel my world crumbling, the first expense to go was always some system of support that felt frivolous at the time. Usually, it came in the form of therapy sessions, massages, and the like. I’d feel a nauseating sense of panic as I typed the Venmo amount to send to the provider, even though I desperately needed an objective space to process all I was going through or an hour’s worth of unfettered rest. The cold, hard fact of the matter is I just didn’t feel I deserved it. In this process of finding more ways to nourish myself, I’ve come to realize that cutting out all forms of support just isn’t practical. And today’s newsletter is about practicality after all. We were never meant to do everything all on our own. I understand these things are luxuries, but I think if we want or need something badly enough, we can always find a way to obtain it. What I’m trying to say is that in the process of working so hard to take care of others and keep things afloat, don’t neglect to take care of yourself too. You deserve it.
I tell the truth: Mostly about myself, and the more I tell the truth, the more I realize what I was offering before was a contrived version of what I believed everyone else expected. I told others I didn’t care what restaurant we went to when I knew with unwavering certainty I wanted Thai. I told friendly enough inquisitors things were “okay” when really I felt like I was drowning and didn’t know how I was going to make it to dry land. I’m not sure if it’s some raw numbness I’ve acquired through trying to do it the other way around or some actual liberation I feel, but I just don’t care anymore. I have nothing to lose and even less to hide. So, I tell people I can’t hang out because I’m tired (even when I fear it might disrupt the peace of our relationship); I divulge the approximate amount of credit card debt to my financial planner (even though it causes me visceral shame); I tell my husband I’m just not in the mood (even though I’m afraid that one day he’ll search for what he needs elsewhere). So often we fear telling the truth about ourselves and our needs for the harm we believe it will cause, but what about everything we’re sacrificing in the process?
I prioritize fresh air and getting outside: This seems trivial on paper, but has been monumental, especially as the temperatures begin to drop. We have less daylight and variable degrees to work with, so any bit of sunshine or time outside I can glean, I relish with every morsel of gratitude I can muster. It could be a 20-minute walk with my dog mid-afternoon (See #1), a few moments with my eyes shut and face turned toward the sun, or a couple deep inhales before I step inside my car. Something about the fresh air and sunshine makes me feel more grounded, more myself. It’s free and freeing.
I meditate: This is a routine with which I admittedly ebb in and out of practice, but lately, I’ve been trying to focus less on the doom and gloom of my current situation by tapping more into the feelings I want to welcome into my world. And yes, I’m talking about the cliches like gratitude and joy and creativity. I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that if I want to feel those things, I need to carve out space to be able to do so. A lot of my fears this year have been around money, so I’ve been listening to this money meditation (I’ve recently stumbled upon Liz’s videos by way of TikTok and love her no-holds-barred perspective), but do what speaks to you. If you’ve been around for a bit, you know I’m a big fan of the TBM work and also really enjoy this Priming Exercise by Tony Robbins. Sometimes, I’ll even put on frequencies by Solfeggio and just focus on my breathing. It doesn’t have to be picturesque, just a few quiet moments to yourself is all it takes.
I dance in my underwear: Cheesy? Sure. True? Absolutely (See #6). Nourishing yourself is often about liking yourself enough to think you are worthy of nourishment. Dancing in front of the mirror in my underwear helps me a) learn to truly see my body and love it for what it does for me daily and b) oddly feel more connected to myself and my lineage. I put on SZA radio and go to fucking town.
I self-promote: I wish I could tell you how over I am being humble, but that is an entirely different newsletter in itself. Who says we can’t like ourselves? Or believe in our talents? Or prioritize our own needs? I say it’s a load of garbage. For the longest time, I thought if I was humble and worked hard enough that people would “just see my shine”. Hell, I thought it was wrong to want to shine in the first place. How twisted and backwards I was. If we want anything in this life, we have to back ourselves. We have to start believing we deserve a seat at the table, not because we worked hard enough or have enough talent, but because we are inherently worthy of the seat. We are all creative. We are all beautiful. We are all talented. We are all all of the beautiful things we as human beings have to offer. Life is about choosing which of those gifts we want to tap into in order to create a rich life of our own design. I have big ambitious goals, and this newsletter is just the start. I will no longer diminish my abilities to make others feel comfortable or to make myself more palatable to this diverse multitude of human beings that will all have different opinions anyway. We have to believe we’re worthy. We have to back ourselves.
As always, do tell: In what ways are you practicing self-care?
⊹ For similar, adjacent ideas for self-care, see How Can We Create More Joy?