In this series, I pen a letter to a younger version of myself in hopes of making sense of my internal world and the ways it has grown and evolved over time. This is the fourth letter published on Light House. You can read the others here, here, and here. You can watch the first letter here.
Dearest Tiana,
For so long, you spent your life believing if you could just excel and succeed that people might truly see you. I don’t think you realize just how much you were longing to see yourself.
You believed you had to control and shape-shift and do all these things just to feel safe in the world. You didn’t focus on your happiness or what you actually wanted. And despite all the strides—the mighty and the many—I think a small part of you still clung to the belief that if you were shiny and impressive and thin and beautiful that people would notice you and that you’d finally be free.
I can’t pretend to know why all the other people you admire—the actors and models and influencers and authors—do what they do. Maybe there’s something inside of them that’s just trying to feel safe too. But I think we both know an accolade isn’t what creates a good life. It’s the tender bits, the parts that make your heart swell, that appear as flashes in the pan. The fur behind Pete’s ear and the wordless feeling you both recognize when you stick your nose inside it. The nameless wonder that appears each time you look directly into your husband’s eyes and realize you love him more than you did the day or month before, despite not knowing how it is possible. Finding trust and truth and love in ways you never considered in a friend you never expected to have.
I think today, even after all this progress you’ve made, you’re still so worried about everyone else seeing you, you’re missing the bits that actually make you feel alive. Don’t forget you’re soothed by the space you create in your chest when you take a slow and deep breath. Always remember you subtlety become more and more yourself with each new piece of information you glean. Never stop believing there are synchronicities, beautiful and bountiful, that find you daily. That you are building a world filled with truly one-of-a-kind individuals whose stories others would relish to hear, and yet, they’ll never know them as deeply and as intimately as you do.
If you want to write a book, then write it. I know you can. You’ve always told stories, especially those others can’t always face hearing. But don’t do it because you think a badge on the cover will solidify a place for you in the world. Write if you feel compelled to write. Don’t if you’re trying to force something to click into place. Always stay awake to the shackles of your conditioning and know you will always be strong enough to free yourself from it.
Life is moving in perfect time. Like a tree that grows over the course of 30 years or more, you cannot fight what you already intrinsically know to be. So…just be. Whether you realize it or not, there has always been a place for you. A beautiful space at the center of your heart, filled with so much awe and wonder. It is unquestionably…
Yours,
Tiana
Just beautiful, Tiana. Yes, you should write a book. ❤️❤️